Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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