My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
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Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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