can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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