Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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