So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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