Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
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Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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