My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
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I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
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If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You are the jesus of drinking
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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