I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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