all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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