I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
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I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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