i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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