saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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