I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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