Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
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cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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