Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
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I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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