He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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