Ketchup is God's man juice
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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