So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
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Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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