You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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