Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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