Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
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if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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