You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
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I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
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He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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