Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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