My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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