Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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