is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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