someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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