I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
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True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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