My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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