I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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