I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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