Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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