Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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