i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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