If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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