new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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