I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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