census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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