I accidentally burped into my bong.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize