And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
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No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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