I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
True college students do jello shots in the library
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