Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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