so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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it's like heaven, but drunker
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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