I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize