It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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