Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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