Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
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I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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