So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
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Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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