Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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