i don't like sucking hair
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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